svgurl (svgurl) wrote,

ficlet: all my dreams are dead (lost before i'm found)

Title: all my dreams are dead (lost before i'm found)
Fandom: Smallville
Pairing/Character(s): Clark
Rating: G
Disclaimer: don't own anything; all characters belong to CW/DC Comics
Word Count: 484
Spoilers/Warnings: none/none
Summary: Clark hasn't slept since "Doomsday".
Author's Notes: For my theechochorus table, prompt: insomnia

Clark stood on a tall rooftop, surveying over the city, blending easily into the shadows. A chime had him glancing over toward the sound, which was the nearby Clocktower, and it made him realize that it was three am. Late. Most of Metropolis was fast asleep, safe in their beds.

Not that the time mattered to him. Clark, or rather Kal-El, hadn’t gotten a full night’s sleep since Doomsday had happened, and that was a solid week and a half ago.

Because how could he sleep knowing how much he was at fault for? The damage, Jimmy’s death, maybe even Lois’s disappearance … that was on him.

It was on him, because he hadn’t acted quickly enough. Also he had sent Jimmy, kind earnest Jimmy who had saved him when his own friends had betrayed him, and seemingly held no resentment when he realized he was right all along about Clark being the Blur to watch over Chloe and Davis. He might as well have stabbed him himself.

For all that he feared Doomsday and thinking separating them would save Davis, it was the human emotions within Davis- the bitterness, the jealousy, the rage, that had taken Jimmy’s life.

So how could he sleep with that knowledge? How could he stay and live life as Clark?

He didn’t feel like he deserved the comfort of the farm so he stayed at the Fortress. The Daily Planet reminded him of Lois (and god, where was she?) so he couldn’t be there. Even keeping in touch with Chloe and Oliver felt like a chore, and he felt emotionally distant from the people he called his friends.

The only person he communicated with was his mom, and that was because she had already been through enough; the last thing he wanted was to worry her further. Even she could tell something was off, but she knew better than to push.

So there left Clark, alone and awake. Sleep was a dream, and dreams themselves were a fantasy at this point. It was like he couldn’t turn his brain or hearing off, and couldn’t stop listening to all that was going on, and that led to him trying his best to fix it. And even when he closed his eyes, the memories of that terrible day came right to the forefront, leaving him overwhelmed, no matter how much he tried to push those emotions, and emotions in general down and away.

Hearing a cry in the distance, he brought himself back to the present and moved to save the person in need. While secretly envying the ones that were in their homes, unaware of what was going on around them.

And wondered if he would ever sleep again. Whether he would ever have anything to dream about again.

Because right now, it seemed as unlikely and his future looked and felt as cold and lonely as his heart.
Tags: category: gen, challenge: theechochorus, character: clark kent, fandom: smallville, fanfiction

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